12 December 2007

Faux Naturale

Is it me, or did Madonna appear both nipped and tucked on the red carpet for her husband’s next flop...er, I mean, film? Now, it seems, she has a pair of black eyes (viewable in paparazzi photos behind oversized shades). Is this faux-Brit patronizing New York to get some work done? Only her surgeon knows for sure. But if an array of photos of her through the years were laid out in front of us, we’d see how often she’s been renewed.

Nicole Kidman claims to be all natural. Really? Like, it’s natural when your lips inflate on their own and your face freezes? Hmmm. I guess if you look at it her way, botulism is natural therefore Botox is, too. Hyaluronic Acid is a derivative of sugar, so Juvederm must be Mother-Nature-made. See, you can be totally plastic and be totally natural at the same time. It’s just amazing what modern science can do.

My favorite Barbie is Demi Moore, who went around claiming her body got better and better with each pregnancy, then spent a reported fifty-grand on total body restoration. Why? It’s not the work that was done, but the lies that were told about it. In this time of scripted reality, people are losing the sense of what is true. We are falling for the delusion. But, what’s worse is that, rather than tell the truth, it’s become vogue to lie about it. It’s easy to keep a straight face when it’s been chemically paralyzed.

Generally, cosmetic procedures are private. A personal choice one makes for whatever reason. Celebrities lose that luxury. From their public existence, we see it all. We have photographic evidence of what has been altered (that is, before it’s been Photoshopped). So why lie about it? How about a simple “no comment” instead? Or even a statement like, “Even though I lead a public life, I choose to keep some aspects private.” But, if you say something like that, then keep your trap shut about what should be private. It’s about consistency, people. You look less like a hypocritical ass if you keep it consistent.

I don’t have a problem with plastic surgery. Not at all. Since I was a young girl and saw my mother in her smalls, I knew a tummy tuck and boob job were in my future should I actually decide to bear children (it was also about that time I saw the purpose of a surrogate). I plan on treating myself to Botox for my next birthday, just to amputate those crow’s feet. And, depending on who asks, and how tactfully they inquire, I will either answer with full disclosure, or simply reply, “What do you think? Do you really think it’s any of your business?”

Still, I want to know who Susan Sarandon and Cindy Crawford sees. That is vital information. I mean, they will talk about their nutritionist or trainer or stylist, til the cows come home, but I want to know about their doctors and dermatologists. That’s only fair, and a true public service. I also want to know who did some of the “odd jobs” we see out there. That’s even more vital so you know whom to avoid. There have been times when I wanted to stop women on Rodeo and ask, “Who did your work?” so I could put the word out.

While I think there is a purpose to some procedures, there are a few things I think it’s prudent to avoid. Like starting when you are too young. Why are these twenty-somethings going for Botox and lip injections when they are in the bloom of youth? And boob jobs at 18? Please. These girls aren’t fully developed physically or emotionally. Going from B to DD isn’t the kind of maturing I would want for my daughter. But that’s just me.

My mother got her boobs done. After two kids, I didn’t blame her. But when she told me, “I have some bras to give you that I’ve outgrown,” I corrected her. “You didn’t ‘outgrow’ anything,” I reminded. You have to keep it real, even when some of it is fake.