25 June 2008

Hill's Bills

Hi. I’m wondering if you would help me retire my debt? It seems that my campaign to lead a fabulous life has cost me much more than I had anticipated (and I’m not even a label whore). Student loans, personal loans, credit cards...somehow, they piled up to a point where repayment just isn’t feasible...or convenient. I mean, it wasn’t gross mismanagement on my part that got me here. More like over-enthusiasm. I really believed my time was going to come, and soon, so I campaigned for it fervently. And probably a little longer than I should have, truth be told. Splurges here and there — mainly to soothe my ego and bolster my esteem — buying time, if you will, as I waited for rock star status, and all the perks that would bring. A human flaw, really, which should be forgiven if not overlooked entirely. After all, I’m me. You probably thought my time had come as well, right? Sucks to be wrong, eh? So, if you and your benefactors would see fit to help me out, checks and/or money orders would be greatly appreciated. I could even set up a PayPal account if you’d prefer to charge it. Or just click the Google ads on my website. All of them (there are a few). Thanks so much for being a team player. Really. Your generosity makes all the difference. Cheers!

Is that a ridiculous request or effing what?

But that hasn’t stopped Hillary.

Why should anyone pay Hillary’s bills but Hillary and Bill? She stayed at the party too long, and now the hangover has hit. That’s not my problem. It’s not yours. Please. How long were we all telling her to bow out gracefully? She failed to listen. And now it’s up to Obama’s supporters to bail her out? Quoi? To that I say, in all sincerity, fug dat.

Entitled. That’s how she carried herself throughout her campaign. She behaved as if this was her party, her ticket, and her time had come. Therefore, no one should have gotten in her way. How dare anyone run against her! So, she dug in her heels (thick heels to boot). She was going to keep going no matter what the cost to the party, the people or her purse. It was embarrassing. And I was embarrassed for her.

I mean, I’ve been there. Upstaged at my own shindig by a newcomer, one so shiny that everyone was mesmerized by her glow, and I was left to busy myself picking up napkins and refilling glasses wondering how the hell this could happen at my own fete...and how could I get back the reigns. But, instead of sitting on her date’s lap and licking his neck in revenge, I simply sat down in my chair and participated in the conversation like a grown up. Let her have her moment. Because that’s what you do once you leave high school, no? Hill, on the other hand, did the political equivalent of a lampshade-hatted table dance.

It was one thing for Hillary to exaggerate her trip to Bosnia with the bullets whizzing by her. Jetlag causes me to hallucinate, too. Or maybe that’s the vodka tonics on the plane. Either way, I get it. But when she went so far as to say she was staying in the race because, well, of what happened to Bobby Kennedy, I threw up a little in my mouth. What kind of person says something like that? A few expletives come to mind, but I’m trying to take the high road here...unlike some people during the race who will go unnamed. At the end of her tedious campaign (which was repeatedly spun as noble in its effort), she was plugging the leaks in her yacht with hundred dollar bills. Now, she’s drowning in a red sea $22 million deep. Of course, twelve of that is her own cash, which she’s not asking for back. How incredibly gracious. She just wants the ten, please.

Shall we imagine, just for a moment, how many houses that money would build in the still-ruined Gulf states? Or help those now affected by the floods? It’s a shameful request. And it seems to be a tad forced. Almost as to say that if Obama would like Bill’s thumbs up, see if his supporters will cough up the cash and foot the tab. I don’t think anyone should give her a bloody dime. As a matter of fact, she might want take to the stage one last time and politely refuse any donations. Perhaps suggest that money should go to more worthy causes. There are plenty of them out there. Besides, Bill’s book money can bail her out. All he needs to do is give a couple of speeches and it’s taken care of. So why the panhandling? It’s tacky!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Clintons. Remember the good ol’ days when Bill was in office getting serviced my Monica, the economy was solid, the budget was balanced and gas was about a buck? Ah, those were the days. And, as a Feminist (note the capital), I would like nothing more than a woman running the show here. Hillary, however, was never electable. Come on, let’s be honest. Unfortunately, there are a lot of skeletons in the Clinton closet, perceived or otherwise, and those surely would have been put on display by the GOP-ers sometime in September. (We all know how the game is played.) Hill could have been a strong contender for the VP position, creating an unbeatable ticket. But, she shot that to hell with the Kennedy comment. Hubris. It has a high price tag. Which is why I can’t afford it. Humiliation, however, somehow fits into my budget.

If only we could expect others to pay for our mistakes. Wouldn’t that bring about Utopia? I could submit an invoice for that last perm I had on the 80s-90s border. Or get a refund for the Express wardrobe I treated myself to in college that seemed to make fashion sense at the time. I wonder what reimbursement I could get for a few of the men I’ve dated. I’m still paying for that T-shirt line I failed to promote. If I could get even a portion of what some of my errs have cost me, I’d be sitting rather pretty. Alas, the only benefit I get is a lesson hard learned, and the reward of owning it. Then again, if you care to make a donation...

11 June 2008

STD and the City

Good promotion is key for any film. And “Sex and the City” did a strong job of it. Commercials at every break. Media appearances on every relevant show. Not to mention the onslaught of ads on the internet. Every day, Facebook would ask me: “Are you a Carrie? A Charlotte? Miranda? Samantha? Take the quiz and find out!” I never bothered to take it because I already know: I’m a Sandra. But whether you ended up as a Carrie, a Charlotte, Miranda or Samantha, which one do you think happened to have Herpes?

According to a city Health Department study, released on 9 June, about 26 percent of New York City adults have genital herpes, compared to about 19 percent nationwide. That’s more than one in four. So, statistically, either Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda or Samantha is a carrier.

But, let us not forget the men of the City. Statistically, either Big, Harry, Steve or Smith would have it, too. And, playing the odds, it would be unlikely for a couple to share the simplex, thus, chances are two out of the four girls would have been exposed.

I couldn’t help but wonder why Smart Water was so prominently displayed in the film and not Trojan? Why Vitamin Water and Mercedes were linked to the movie in commercials instead of condom companies and related prescriptions? Even PSAs didn’t make a move on the movie, because, even with the study just out, it’s not like this is news in New York.

So, for a show that seems to have talked about everything women in the city face (don’t forget, Carrie was even mugged once), why wasn’t Herpes ever mentioned? They had story lines on Chlamydia, breast cancer, infertility, funky spunk and flaccid junk. So, how come none of women or their men ever had a sore? I suppose it wouldn’t exactly be sexy to see one of the ladies dashing into Duane Reade to pick up her Valtrex refill, or to mention over brunch that she and/or her lover were in the midst of an outbreak. Or having that conversation before engaging in sex with a new partner about transmission and precautions. Maybe it wouldn’t be sexy. But it would be real. And responsible. Have we all forgotten that Carrie was supposed to be a sex columnist? I think after season two the writers did.

While “Sex and the City” implies that a purse nabbed from Bag Borrow or Steal will help make an impression, that a pair of Manolo’s will aide in establishing status, or fabulous friends will help make everything all right, it’s never bothered to say that one of the greatest statements an empowered woman can make is, “Hey, put this on.” And I’m not talking a designer label.

Without a doubt, “Sex and the City - The Musical!”, is bound to hit Broadway. Do you think STDs will be written in? Would they include such ditties as: “Mister, Is That a Blister?” or “Ain’t No Lovin’ Without Some Glovin’”? What about, “Got That Itch, Ain’t It a Bitch”? Not that sexually transmitted diseases are funny. I get pissed when a guy gives me a cold. But pretending cooties are not part of sex in any city, town, suburb or hamlet, is a stretch beyond fiction.