18 July 2008


My mother has a set of Shirley Temple dimples. When I was little, people always looked at me with disappointment when I smiled. "Oh," they'd say. "You didn't get your mother's dimples." Once I hit college, I could reply, "Oh, yes I did." They were simply on my thighs.

It's been an ongoing battle smoothing those ripples. I got to the point a few years ago where they were almost nil. I was living on the South Beach Diet, working out at the gym like a madwoman, burning 1,000 calories on the treadmill at a time, and slathering my thighs with Neutrogena's Anti-Cellulite Treatment twice a day. That seemed to be the right combo for my DNA. I was confident sitting down in short skirts or wearing light twill white pants. I didn't even cringe under the lighting of changing rooms. It was a glorious summer.

Then I went on a two-year writing binge, stopped exercising like a madwoman, would be lucky to burn 1,000 calories per week on the treadmill, had to bail on South Beach (you can't have copious amounts of artificial sweeteners with an inflamed stomach lining, nor should you when you are trying to eat all organic, and effing Stevia hasn't gone mainstream...thanks for nothing, FDA), and I can only find that Nivea stuff on the shelves. It seemed I had found the perfect cellulitic storm of writer's lifestyle, age and genetics. Something had to be done.

Not to be catty, but when Jennifer Love Hewitt tried to tell the world that's what a size 2 ass looks like, I had to cough out a bullshizzle. Try multiplying that by four. For a second, I thought someone had sold them a shot of me. But then I remembered I haven't been to Hawaii. To put it mildly, I'm no 2. It was a sad day at the Gap when a 6 didn't fit, and I used to be a 4 there. With a heavy sigh, I bought a bigger size. I knew there was nothing I could really do about it until I finished the book and the writing on my to-do list. My discipline only stretches so far. Now that it's done, I've gotten a bit more wicked with my diet (food will no longer come delivered in white paper bags). I'm back to a 6 now, and I've accepted that, until I can find two hours in the morning for the gym, I won't see a 4 anytime soon.

When I saw the photos of Mischa Barton sitting at a fashion show the other day, I again had a flash of, Is that me? Outside of the cankles, those are my legs right now. All of a sudden, I've gone lumpy. Something is definitely amiss. This has only happened once before when I went on the wrong Pill. Practically overnight, my breast grew a cup-size and small curd cottage cheese moved onto my thighs. I was okay with the boobage, but there was no way I would tolerate the rest. I went off the Pill immediately and both side effects went away. Unfortunately, I cannot blame oral contraception this time. Effing genetics.

Alas, the Nivea stuff just isn't packing the punch I need. For one, it doesn't have that tightening tingle that both the Neutrogena and Clarins creams provide. That's the caffeine, crucial in the fight against thimples. Nivea lacks that, and their L-Carnitine can kiss my cheeks. I've gone to CVS, Walgreen's and Long's, but no one has the damn Neutrogena. Haven't in ages, and I will not drop $75 on the Clarins. It works miracles, but I'm in a bit of a cheap phase right now. Instead, I did something I'd rather avoid at all costs: I shopped online.

About the only thing I buy online is music (but iTunes is a quick in and out). Occasionally, I'll purchase a book over the internet, but would much rather wander the aisles and annoy clerks by asking them to help me find a book that I inevitably end up standing next to when I finally request their assistance. Outside of that, I like to walk into a shop and get what I want or need. I'm a tactile individual. Keystrokes just aren't enough. Netflix is something I only recently warmed to, and that's because I absolutely loathe video stores (I had a traumatic experience working at one my first year of college).

As luck (and logic) would have it, I found the Neutrogena miracle cream on several sites. I hesitated for a moment, noticing the company did a packaging re-design. I don't trust that. But, I got over it. I even got over my cheap streak and bought two bottles. Sometime within the next five-to-seven business days (still too cheap to spring for overnight shipping), I'll starting feeling the the cheese melt. Let the smoothing begin! In the meantime, it's back to being a madwoman. At the gym at least.

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